After the fall of the Nations United by Russell and Emperor Russell Barefoot’s exile to Ireland, the world is now once again made up of many different countries, and McDonough is once again the president of Raritan Valley Community College (RVCC). However, McDonough liked Emperor Barefoot’s governing style and decided he wanted to make some changes of his own to RVCC.
All of the US flags on campus have been replaced with the Union Jack. RVCC’s status as a dry campus has ended. Furthermore, RVCC’s campus and its vicinity have been granted an exemption to the US drinking age. On the outskirts off the campus, the former ShopRite that has been replaced by a Waitrose whose partners are excited to make money from this new situation and is planning on temporarily lowering the price on 1.75 l bottles of Ballantine’s whisky, packages of Fuller’s London Pride beer, 750 ml bottles of Johnnie Walker Red whisky, 750 ml bottles of Penderyn Whisky, 750 ml bottles of Bombay Sapphire gin, and 355 ml bottles of Samuel Smith’s cider in a snide attempt to attract excited previously underaged students to their store.
Students are going to be required to wear a uniform with McDonough currently considering designs from Barbour, Burberry, Peregrine, and Sunspel. Frame lads and lasses for some more changes! The school has also managed to nick artefacts from all over the world and put them in the new RVCC museum. My favourite is a piece of the Great Pyramid of Giza. I also fancy looking at the original Rosetta Stone. The school is now offering free medical care at the point of service. This new medical clinic will be known as the Campus Health Service (CHS). Innit a lovely place bruv?
Traffic on the school’s property must now drive on the left hand side of the road. The entrances to the school are now being outfitted with special tunnels that allow traffic to make the switch more easily from the rest of the United States. The school’s security fleet made up of left hand drive Chevrolets are now going to be replaced by a fleet of right hand drive Aston Martins. Speak of the devil, another special tunnel is now being built that will allow students to visit France by train in only 2 hours. The French students I have spoken to about this seem very excited.
The school is replacing its American football team with a rugby union team and the baseball team with a cricket team. This has angered many of the players who are confused by both sports. Player Johnny Etatunis said “I preferred the pigskin compared to whatever a rugby ball is made of. In my opinion, probably tea bags but who really cares?” The fact that students must now use gear produced by Umbro, instead of a more well-known brand such as Nike is also confusing them. However, this is the reality students must grapple with because McDonough is organising a bonfire for any students wearing clothing from non-British brands on campus.
If you’re clamming for some food, as people in Newcastle would say, Freshens has been replaced by grocery store chain Booth’s first location in the United States. A formidable rival to the new local Waitrose, they are now serving foods never before served at RVCC such as crumpets, clotted cream, haggis, beans on toast, Wensleydale cheese, Irn Bru, Welsh rarebit, West Country cheddar, fish & chips, black pudding, and Taylor’s of Harrogate teas. Students will be eating on plates produced by Wedgwood with cutlery produced by Legacy Silverware. Nobody will be served at Booth’s unless everyone is waiting in an orderly line… Unfortunately, McDonough has shut down The Record for referring to a queue as a line.
Edit: April Fools.
