Russell Barefoot has decided that taking over Raritan Valley Community College, renaming it to Russell Valley Community College, and then making himself the most powerful man in New Jersey was not enough for him. As a result, he has taken over the United Nations and re-named it to the Nations United by Russell. For his comfort, the location of this all powerful organization is being moved from Manhattan to Russell Valley Community College’s campus in Branchburg, New Jersey. Sweeping changes are coming. For example, all borders between countries have been abolished, all government officials must now shave their heads before returning to work in order to resemble the new leader, and all heads of state have had their positions abolished and replaced by the all encompassing emperor of the world.
Seymour Butz, a shocked man I found at New York Penn Station remarked, “He cannot do this. It’s unacceptable and I will not take this lying down. If Russell Barefoot does not back down by tomorrow at noon, the whole world will be in flames.” Predicting this reaction, Barefoot promised a worldwide volleyball tournament in order to improve his image and take everyone’s mind off of the fact that he has absolute power.
However, some were enthusiastic about the change. Moe Ron, another man I caught up on the street with said, “I like having a one-world government led by one man. Everything is going to be so peaceful and I can finally travel anywhere I would like without a passport. Plus, who cares if all government officials have to now shave their heads bald, I am not a government official so this has no effect on me.” Moe Ron did sound enthusiastic. That being said, I could see as I was walking home that a mysterious helicopter had dumped large quantities of money on his house.
Free speech has also been abolished, as anyone who says anything critical of Emperor Barefoot is now required to write a 20 page apology letter to him. Lastly, all of yinz now have to start speaking English with a Pittsburgh accent. Yes, that even includes me.
Edit: April Fools.
